Happy?

Of all things, I find that I am happy. I haven’t felt like this in years, since college perhaps, but I don’t even remember feeling this good then. Just blissfully ecstatic in a way I feel the need to share but can’t seem to…

It had to do with a night with my ex. Which is strange because I don’t remember her making me happy like this before. It was awkward and distant and should have been weird and uncomfortable, yet I find that I am completely, massively happy. And I don’t understand it at all.

I just feel free. For the first time since I can remember. Unchained. And I appreciate it, just have no idea why, what it was that happened.

Advertisements

Changes

I know it’s been a minute since I updated, but I’ve been dealing with a lot of changes and I didn’t know if my ex knew about this site.

Anyway, I’m accepting a bail out from my parents on the house, which I hate. I’m way too old for that, but I have no other way to buy my ex out of the mortgage. I can’t offer them much but to pay them back later and a place in my sons life that’s permanent, but I suppose that will hAve to be enough. I’m willing to make sacrifices to get my ex out of our lives for good.

I started hormones and, for the first few days, my libido was out of control. Then, about a week later, it dropped off almost completely. Which might make certain future interactions I’m considering more awkward, but I suppose it is more than worth it. And anyway, I have faith that I will find work arounds eventually.

My perceptions feel more real this way, I feel more alive in almost every way. It’s strange how much more vivid my emotions are without the constant aggressive undercurrent of testosterone.

The change in mood seems to have possibly supercharged my connection to the spirit. I’m getting quicker and better results than before. My dating options are numberless, finances look promising, even if some of it is coming from rather degrading places, and I’m doing somewhat better at being accepted with people in a feminine role (even though I haven’t transitioned much at all yet). I dare not say much more at this time, however.

Eyeglasses

They will no longer even sell you glasses without a prescription. In Colorado at least. I tried three places and the mall, and not one would sell me a thing without a permission slip from a doctor. What is the point of that even? I’m going to O.D on clear vision?

Its just another way of entrenching the psychology of “experts”. People who know better than everyone else and can pretend to be parents for the entire world. It’s dumb, it takes power out of the hands of the public and gives it to an arbitrary few. Moreover it hurts the poor who now have to go get an eye exam every year if they actually want to see, an added expense.

And the alternative? Walking around blind. Because you can afford either an exam or a pair of glasses but not both.

Dumb

I’m being dumb, but I’m just so frustrated and lonely. Getting upset about little things. Things that don’t matter. I think I’m just at the brink of a very large change and I’m a bit scared.

I’d like to jump in, emerse myself in it and lose myself in the rush. But that is not how they allow you to do this. They want you to be methodical, to prove yourself at every step to more and more people. Come up with permission slip after permission slip that you have degraded yourself enough in front of the right people that you will be allowed to proceed to the next step.

Its frustrating.

And counseling is degrading. Opening yourself up, showing someone the most private things in your life and accepting their scrutiny. Accepting their judgement and unwanted advise. Listening to them argue with you that you aren’t actually feeling what you are feeling but are instead feeling what they think you should be feeling. Listening to them make pronouncements about your life after knowing you for two hours? Three? Telling you how to handle things that have been problematic for years. And then getting angry when you don’t listen to them. Because their advice s**ks and their IQ is at least a standard deviation below your own.

F*** them.

But I will do it. I would subject myself to the worst kinds of porn if I had to to get this done. And this is marginally better than that.

Just don’t ask me why I’m angry.

HRT

So I have my letter, I think (it’s in the mail but I have yet to read it) and I call planned parenthood trying to schedule an appointment with a doctor.

They won’t even agree to see me until I fax them a copy of my letter and give them time to review and authenticate it. It could take a few days.

How is it that when I call up a doctor, say I have a documented problem and ask for an appointment, I am treated like a liar or a druggie or something? Is my money not good? Do you think I’m doing this just to prank a friend?

I want this enough that I am willing to be treated like a freak and a second rate citizen in order to proceed with it. But I will always remember how it is that I was treated. And I won’t be silent about it either.

Wisdom Teeth

This was a bit more expensive than I would have liked, but I did decide to do it before my hormone balance shifted too much. So I went ahead and took them out. It wasn’t at all as painful as the last time, though I admit I was a bit nervous when they started working on the bottom molar and I started feeling the sharp pain of broken bone.

My ex wanted to talk today, trying to schedule a call for later this evening, but I let her know I was going to be a bit preoccupied tonight with missing teeth and bleeding stitches. She has become more and more threatening over the last few weeks, punctuating an extended silence from her, and normally that would make me shake and quiver in fear. I’m not doing that this time though. Not again. I have enough to worry about trying to take care of our kid to try and worry about whether or not I can appease her too. Her blackmail is now defunct, and I’d rather deal with her in court than deal with this constant barrage of psycho bull. So I’m done. Come what may. It’s probably my need to solve the problem of her that has kept me from actually solving it, on a spiritual level. Well problem solved. Lets see what happens now.

I think we’re going to end up selling the house. I can’t really afford it on my own and I could definitely use the money for Reassignment Surgery, if nothing else. There is still time to decide though, as I won’t push it until the kid isn’t here to get caught in the middle of it all. So I can afford to hold on to some hope, for the time being. And that’s really not something that should be taken for granted.

I’m extremely anxious to start on hormones, but at the same time I’m petrified of telling people what it is I am. Not because I’m really ashamed of it any more, so much. More, I’m worried that they will hear my deep, unsuitable male voice and see it the way I do. AnĀ aberration. Freakish. Disgusting. That they will see me the way I do – not as a semi-attractive man, but as a deformed and hideous woman.

That’s what I’m always afraid of. It’s just that so long as I didn’t admit who it was that I am, no one else really noticed. And I became really good at pretending.